So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
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