I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Randomize
