I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Randomize
