i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
Randomize
