Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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