she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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