i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
