I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
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Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
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Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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