we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
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