Your mouth is God's brothel.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
