Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
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