I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
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