I'm going to rape someone's good day.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
You are a booty call, not a friend.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Randomize
