i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
