Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Randomize
