just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
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