When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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