only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
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