Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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