Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
Randomize
