Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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