new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
