Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Randomize
