I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Randomize
