Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
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