there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
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