I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
She tied me up with her honor cords...
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
