Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
