never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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