Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
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