I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
