I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Randomize
