happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
