just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
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