Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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