i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
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