the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
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