I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
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