You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
