No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
Randomize
