the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Randomize
