my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Randomize
