around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
