my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
