I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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