Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
