The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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