apparently the secret to your success is patron
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
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