the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
