I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
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