very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
