How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
