God, you're like boner-b-gone
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Randomize
