Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Randomize
