shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
