i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
