I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
Randomize
