My hand turned me down
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
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