FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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