Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
Randomize
