My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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