You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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